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This is my "opposite of friends only" message. If you stopped by, even for a few minutes, I'd love to know that you were here! I don't care if you've friended me or not, if you just joined my friends list or if you've been with me from the beginning. I don't care if you never plan on coming back here again. If you're feeling sociable, pen a line or two about yourself in the comments. I'm all about the networking. You might meet someone you like in the comments. You might see an old friend. I might come visit your LJ. Make the web a little bigger and a little more interesting by pimping introducing yourself here. I'd be glad to know you.




Wedding bells

I'm getting married to my Dr. Sweetheart in seven weeks. This means that I need two kinds of advice. Type the first is wedding advice: do you have any bits of wisdom regarding the logistics or other variables of the big day proper? Type the second is marriage advice: what are your thoughts on marriage?

[meme] Writing prompts

Here are the rules: 1. Write as much as you can on each prompt in precisely one minute; set a timer. Stop in the middle of whatever sentence you're typing. 2. Add your own prompt to the end of the list. 3. Tag five people. 4. Credit the source of the meme. I like this timer: http://www.online-stopwatch.com/

1. What happens inside a hallway full of spikes?

Men bleed in a hallway full of spikes. They crash about in blood-loss induced insanity; they have lost their horizontal. They have lost their vertical. Their eyes are mad in terror and agony, but they press on. They press on because their princess is in another castle, and they must get out of this nightmarish, hypnotizing castle of terrors and go get her, go kiss her, go wake her from her slumber. She is the only one who can end the plague of rotten peaches, and

2. Why is the fairy bleeding?

She's bleeding because she's emerged from the hallway of spikes; she will be the one to emerge triumphant, kiss the sleeping princess, and save the kingdom from the plague of rotten peaches. Never before has a fairy been hailed as a hero in this anti-fairy-bigoted land, and she will

3. Who is the man in the hollow tree?

He is the man with the wart on his man; he hides underneath his fedora and cape and emerges only at night, where he commits acts of do-goodery to unsuspecting kittens and bleeding fairies. He meets our fairy as she flies in a wobbly fashion toward the proper castle, the one where the peach-freshening prin

4. When will the sun rise in the north?

The sun will rise in the north on the day that the world ends; and the day that the world ends will be the day when all of the peaches have gone rotten, and every fairy has been slain by bigots and maggots. Stupid maggots. The man in the hollow tree has no patience for maggots. Someday, he will rise against them, and the kittens will be at his side, kittens who are now full-grown and

5. Where do baby crocodiles go to learn how to fly?

Heaven, duh. But there is a place on earth where it's possible, a gully in the middle of an enchanted meadow, just outside of the orchard of mystical (and fresh!) peaches. This is the gully of the flying crocodile, and baby crocodiles sense it at birth and crawl toward it, guided by an internal compass. The fact that they loiter in swamps and rivers and bite people and

Credit goes to bettybaker for starting this meme. I tag kailara, nidoking, kay_brooke, interactiveleaf, and merovingian

Teh sig: polyadvicenurse.com / polyadvicenurse.maxforum.org

Why do polyamorous people get married?

Just a bit ago, I posted a P.A.N. cast and answered this question: Why do polyamorous people get married?

One of the incredibly smart people on the P.A.N. forums had this to say in response, and I wanted to make sure that she got heard by a wider audience, because, well, because she's lovely.

Here are her thoughts, lifted with her permission from the forums to LJ:

I thought this was a great question and a very thoughtful answer. I know there is a good sized segment of the population (at least in the States - I don't know about worldwide) that is opposed to the "traditional institution of marriage" for various reasons ranging from feeling that relationships shouldn't be managed by the state to the idea that marriage is institutionalized misogyny, and with the perception that polyamorists would primarily be non-mainstream folks with non-mainstream ideas, it seems logical to jump to the question of "but why would they engage in this archaic/barbaric/sexist/paternalistic/etc/etc/ practice?"

I think you put it in really good context with regard to recognizing that marriage isn't only about religious or legal issues - it's a cultural tradition that clearly states "I am committed to the mental, physical and financial health and wellbeing of this person and will stay committed to the end of our days".

I also think there are some other reasons that polyamorists get married...just off the top of my head:

- they might have been married before they entered into a poly relationship (I know a few couples who opened up after they were wed)
- They might want to make a clear distinction between their relationship to their primary from their secondary relationships
- they might deeply believe in the socioreligious aspects of a marital relationship and feel that a marriage tie with one (or more) other people is important for non political or legal reasons
- they might want the legal benefits that come with marriage that you just can't mimic through contractual arrangements

Personally, by the time I actually Got Married(tm), I'd already been with my primary partner for about 7.5 years. We'd not been poly when we started dating and had talked about marriage in the completely monogamous sense. We were poly by the time we got married, and I think both of use recognized that we'd been committed to each other so deeply for so long that the ceremony itself (and the associated legal registrations) really accomplished two things:

1) It made our families happy. They'd been expecting a wedding for 3 years at that point and we didn't have an overwhelming reason to disappoint them.
2) It ensured that, without having to do a lot of paperwork, my primary was automatically protected if anything happened to me - he would get my income, would be on my medical insurance and we'd have the ability to control each other's medical treatment if necessary. As the sole income in our household, I felt this was very important. No matter how many documents you put in place and how many agreements you have, it's very tricky to fully emulate all the rights and privileges associated with the legal side of marriage.

Another thing with polyamorists and marriage - they may not be married to just one person. Chances are good they're not _legally_ bound to more than one spouse through marriage (contractual relationships are another issue), but many group configurations feel that it is desirable to have a non-binding wedding and to consider themselves married. There's even a poly term for multiple spouses - "spice" - that is used in the internet communities.

Those marriages may encompass what Betty went into about formally committing to another person - and they may also be backed up by contractual arrangements to attempt to provide for your spouses as fully as legally possible without a state-sanctioned wedding license.


So there's that. What do you think?

Teh sig: polyadvicenurse.com / polyadvicenurse.maxforum.org

Let's talk about mystery.

Night before last, I heard a shrieking yowl in my back yard. My thuggish marmalade tomcat had just taught the neighbor dog from next door emphatically who was boss. Said neighbor dog slunk back to the loose board in the fence from whence he came. I put a paver stone in front of the hole to block entrance; but the next morning, I saw not one but *two* neighbor dogs making a merry mess of my backyard--the hooligans. I shooed them away.

Neither of my cats were in sight.
They did not reappear when I filled their food bowls.
They did not come when I called them.
They were not lurking under the patio (I checked) or in the sideyard or in the front yard or under my car or in the trees.
They were gone; they were perfectly missing.

All day long I checked outside for my cats. My back yard was terrifyingly absent of life. When Dr. Sweetheart came home he patched the fence. Still the cats did not return.

I freaked out. You can't text a cat "Dogs gone; fence fixed--all clear, come home." Were my cats dead? Had they been hit by cars during their panicked escape? Had they grown so frustrated with me that they'd left to seek out new owners? Had they begun a trek across town to the house where they used to live?

Were they dead? Were they injured? Were they hiding silently inches away from me? I had no way of knowing. My dread loomed huge and menacing and hungry.

We watched a movie and I spent half of the movie gazing outside the sliding glass door. I was hoping to see Mr. Bojangles catching moths against the glass, or to see Dr. Death making with his quizzical eyes and his echoing meow.

No such luck.

I went to bed miserable, instructing Dr. Sweetheart to wake me up if he saw them.

Then, at three in the morning, an echoing meow. I was out and into the backyard in a hot second, and both Mr. Bojangles and Dr. Death were there to be petted and loved and fed and crooned at.

I feel so much better. This morning neither Mr. Bojangles nor Dr. Death are in evidence, but because I know that they were here at 3am I'm doing better.

Fear is, like totally, the mind killer.

I want them back.

Jul. 16th, 2010

Hey, are any of you on Twitter? I just joined as betty_baker , and I am terribly at sea. It's an entirely new culture out there--have any advice on how not to fuck it up?

Teh sig: polyadvicenurse.com / polyadvicenurse.maxforum.org
There are three things that I want to talk to you about today, and they are disjointed.

Miss Blue was my precious girlcat and my everyday flirtatious friend. She had a sense of humor and she was persistent in her attacks of love. She was struck by a car and killed on Tuesday night and I am seriously mourning her.

Miss Blue is a solid gray kitty and she is sticking out her pink little tongue

I mean, guys, losing her is kicking me in the head and squeezing me in my heart. She was *so* cool.


So I've done what any cowardly, hurting person with a broken heart might do. In lieu of respectfully grieving Blue's death, I have in true stop-gap fashion brought home a new baby bunny.

He is adorable.

I have a tradition of giving my pets titles--Mr., Dr., Miss--and this new bit of skittering fuzziness is The General. He is Gen. Nightmare, and he lives on my lap now.


And now! Disjointedly! New-post-worthily!

I have created a useful trilogy of Poly Advice Nurse Podcasts. They are the "I Hate Her Trilogy" and they tell you what to do when your partner is dating someone you loathe.

Part one.
Part two.
Part three.

Of them I am incredibly proud. If you hate someone, anyone, give them a listen.

Teh sig: polyadvicenurse.com / polyadvicenurse.maxforum.org
What's the biggest thing you've ever been a part of?

Teh sig: polyadvicenurse.com / polyadvicenurse.maxforum.org

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