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Wedding bells

I'm getting married to my Dr. Sweetheart in seven weeks. This means that I need two kinds of advice. Type the first is wedding advice: do you have any bits of wisdom regarding the logistics or other variables of the big day proper? Type the second is marriage advice: what are your thoughts on marriage?


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Jul. 22nd, 2010 03:23 pm (UTC)
Jul. 22nd, 2010 03:29 pm (UTC)
1) Enjoy the day. The day is for you and not for anyone else (other than the person you are marrying, obviously). Don't compromise on stuff just to make other people happy.

2) Communication, communication, communication.
Jul. 22nd, 2010 03:37 pm (UTC)

I don't really have any advice since I haven't, nor do I plan, to get married--despite my mom's protestations.

As to thoughts...Marriage and civil unions should be separate things. I know it's popular to say such things now, but I've thought it for a long time. I think the economic, emotional, and social aspects of marriage should be treated separately by society and the state, and as seems appropriate by the individuals involved. And that is, of course, for all people.
Jul. 22nd, 2010 03:49 pm (UTC)

My biggest advice is don't sweat the small stuff. Relax and enjoy your day with Dr. Sweetheart.

Marriage means different things to different people. To me marriage is solidifying and proclaiming to the world that the couple is dedicated to each other.
Jul. 22nd, 2010 03:49 pm (UTC)
We actually eloped. It worked really, really well for us. However, you're presumably already aware of whether that's an option for you, and have already considered it. :-)

For actually being married, I certainly agree with "communicate, communicate, communicate". I'd also say make sure you've talked to your sweetie about what being married means to him -- you'd like some clue about how things are likely to change (and they will), and some idea about how compatible your ideas are. Expectations of marriage are powerful things, so you should examine them where possible.

Expect to spend some extra time processing about this. You will at least a bit regardless, and planning makes it less painful ;-) Also, start rehearsing how you'll use the word "husband" and react to the word "wife". For some people, that's a big, big change, and for others it slips in naturally. Understand that other people, including poly people, will respond differently to the word "husband" than to the word "lover" or "sweetie" -- it'll be treated differently, and so will you, and by extension your fellow. Prepare to think on that, because, again, you'll need to. And again, this will happen to both of you, and you're likely to react to it differently.

Marriage has worked really, really well for me overall, and I hope it will do the same for you. With that said, it's still hugely different than a long-term cohabiting relationship. Expect that. And the transition will be rockier than you expect (even if only slightly) and take longer (even if only slightly), but at least for us, was definitely limited in time. It probably took Krissy and me about a year and a half to really settle into being married -- we'll have been married for four years come September. It may take you longer, since you've known Dr Sweetheart longer than I had known Krissy, and you have a lot of pre-marriage habits together. Then again, little enough may change that you'll get it all worked out even faster. Hard to say.

But yeah, don't underestimate the differences in mindset and how you'll be treated by others, and in how you'll respond to those things. I'm not sure if getting married feels like much of a change to you (if so, examine why, that's an expectation of what marriage is to you!), but it will be even if it seems like it won't :-)
Jul. 23rd, 2010 08:21 pm (UTC)
And my darling husband likes to to tell me that the secret to happiness is low expectations. It sound snarky and rude but it's very true. It means that we get to be super excited about one another doing nice things on a regular basis because we don't expect it as mandatory. Very useful.

Good luck. :)
Jul. 22nd, 2010 03:51 pm (UTC)
the best decision we ever made was to get married and have the reception in the same place. It was cheaper and easier for logistics.

Keeping the guest list small was another important factor. Our party was 32 people, including the bridal party. It meant we could all have a good time, not break the bank, and not feel like we missed out on thanking all those who came out to share the day.
Jul. 22nd, 2010 03:52 pm (UTC)
1) Prioritize. It won't be perfect in every respect, but that won't matter if the things that do matter to you are the things that work.

2) Define it for yourselves. Marriage as an institution has a shudder-inducting history and role in religio-socio-political-economic interactions, and I could rant for days about how economic household units, reproductive matches, community bonding, and interpersonal relationships aren't synonymous and thus shouldn't all be treated as as the same thing.

But your marriage doesn't have to be part of that tradition or argument. Decide what this union means to the two of you, work on that, and to hell with everyone that tries to tell you what your marriage ought to be.

3) Congrats!
Jul. 22nd, 2010 03:56 pm (UTC)
Congrats :D

1st question. = get something to eat! If you're doing a dinner after, chances are you're going to be so busy meeting/greeting ect. you won't have a chance to eat before all the food is gone :D so make time and nosh a little.

2nd question.
On Marriage "Nothing will change, but nothing will be the same'.

Its life, it can be very easy if you let it be easy. don't get mad and get silent. Talk to your partner.
Jul. 22nd, 2010 04:00 pm (UTC)
From where I stand, marriage is something that happens to other people, like being gunned down in war-torn countries or turning from a movie career to drugs and crime. Except some people seem to enjoy marriage. I will absolutely never have a wedding, ever, even if every other man in the world drops dead at the same time or something even less likely happens to make a woman want to marry me. If she's the type who needs a ceremony, then we're just never going to be able to get along. I'm told that's for the families anyway, and I can't say I felt like my brother and his wife were doing me any favors when I had to practice going through the motions of showing people to their seats and spend the evening in a place with dancing and alcohol. No thanks. But, like I said, the choice has been made for me.

I think the reason we have so many divorces is because people think getting married will make them happy, when it's really the other way around.
Jul. 22nd, 2010 05:04 pm (UTC)
No advice but I'm so happy for you. We don't both get mad at the same time and nowadays we no longer assume if one person is angry then it must be the other's fault.
Jul. 22nd, 2010 05:11 pm (UTC)
1... Enjoy your wedding, but remember in the end it is just an event. If things arent perfect, it doesn't matter. Have fun, relax, let it be. It's the marriage you'll remember -- not the stupid off hand comment your crazy Uncle John during the reception or the wrong color flowers on the tables. Yannow?

2... Be each other's best friend, biggest supporter and loudest cheerleader. Agree to disagree, and allow each other the space you each need to continue to develop as an individual.
Jul. 22nd, 2010 05:36 pm (UTC)
The biggest logistical part we remember is that we were very grateful that we'd hired a wedding planner to be the one who took care of making sure things ran smoothly that day. It was nice to be able to not worry about that part of things.
Jul. 22nd, 2010 05:39 pm (UTC)
Now this is coming from someone who really, really dislikes weddings and has survived quite a few. So, with that bias noted, here goes.

1. There is a show on TV called "Bridezillas". Watch this show at least once. Try not to be like any of the women in that show. Understand that, despite this, you will become like the women in that show at least a little bit. That's ok. It is expected to some extent. Love and be patient with your bridesmaids. Ask that they love and be patient with you. You may be doing the people you invite to the wedding a favor by allowing them to come to the wedding. However, they are doing you a favor by renting a tux/buying a dress/bringing a present, whatever. It's a wash, in other words.

2. Do your best. Sometimes this will be enough, sometimes it won't. Keep talking.
Jul. 23rd, 2010 04:26 am (UTC)
Re: Ok...
*applause* for #2!
Jul. 22nd, 2010 06:51 pm (UTC)
Wow! Congratulations!
Jul. 22nd, 2010 07:49 pm (UTC)
I'm getting married to my Dr. Sweetheart in seven weeks.

Hurrah! That's fantastic!

Type the first is wedding advice: do you have any bits of wisdom regarding the logistics or other variables of the big day proper?

Do what the two of you want to do. Once the dust settles, you'll be glad you did. (This may seem obvious, but so many people allow assorted relatives and friends a measure of influence over arrangements which they later regret that it seems worth mentioning...)

Type the second is marriage advice: what are your thoughts on marriage?

That it's not for everyone, but it can be a wonderful thing. My 15th anniversary was a couple of weeks ago and - perhaps at odds with the received wisdom - marriage has been great and I'm very glad we did it.
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